Thursday, November 12, 2009

Models

I find that people here have a difficult time being flexible with their perceptions of themselves and how they define who they are are, what they do and what their role is in whatever circle makes up their life. I assume its due to the culture which stresses family and group identity over individual identity. And so often I meet people fulfilling roles that seem so outside their natural character, or are in juxtposition to the reality of what their situation calls for. My impression is that they are molding themselves into some model for the role they should be fulfilling.


One model that I often witness performed is the "Boss". In this role, the boss is demanding, oftentimes verbally or emotionally abusive to their staff, and is able to control every action or inaction made by his/her staff. The employees who work for this boss are expected to kowtow to every whim and need of this boss. The classic black and white Egyptian movies portray the typical Arab boss with much accuracy - an grumpy man, sitting behind his desk with a cigarette in one hand, a cup of tea in the other, a stack of papers strewn across his desk, shouting commands throughout the office. In these movies the one thing missing in those offices is the "peer" relationship, ie those employess who you work with who are neither your boss nor fall under your direct supervision, whom in fact you do have to have daily interactions with and get along with. As their is no model for this type of work relationship in the Arab society (ie, either your somebody's boss, or somebody is the boss ofyou), the way colleauges treat their peers can be even more frightening.


I have an employee that works for me who when she does not want to do something that needs to get done and is within her job duty, will stall, drag her feet, and imagine up every obstacle that will prevent her from doing the job, that it often takes a lot of time, positive reinforcement and energy on my part to keep her focused and directing her back to the task at hand. I was noting this characteristic to a work peer of mine and saying, "It's so difficult to keep her on track, but I'm trying to keep her focused." My colleague replied, "What do you mean 'trying', you're her boss, MAKE her do it!" In my opinion, making her do anything would not teacher that she is self-responsible for her actions and reactions, and to gain some professional maturity in realizing that we all have to do things that at work that we don't like to do, and we get paid to actually do both those things we like and those we don't. Modelling and reinforcing that behavior is not really what bosses are supposed to do in this culture, they're supposed to demand and order around in a dismissive manner the people who work for them.


And as I mentioned, the "peer" relationship just does not seem to be anywhere in the Arab management model. Yet often you need something (information, a signature, help) from colleagues who are your peers. People spend a lot of energy in the Arab office setting fending off the peers ("you're not my boss, you can't make me do it") or treating them like they're employees ("I'm not going to do this for you unless my boss tells me to do it"). To say it adds some unique challenges to my work day would be an understatement.


The other type of model that I meet in this oh-so-seemingly modern setting where women work outside the home, go to cafes with their friends, and brag about their foreign travels, is the lazy husband. The husband never cooks, he never cares for the children (and I don't count ruffling the kids' hair as you walk in from an evening of playing cards with your friends as caring for your children), and he can rarely stick to deadline or be depended on for filling any domestic duty that may be typical of a male role (changing a lightbulb for example). They seem to stroll through life with very little sense of responsibility (except bringing home the paycheck) and often this behavior is mirrored in the workplace. Everybody seems to accept this model at face value for what it is, which is a good thing for societal peace. This after all is the only model role for the husband and father that both women and men in this society know.


I mostly keep my opinions to myself on this. Yet I am stunned how these smart, hard-working women don't demand something different from that model. And complain to me they do- the working mother who provides all daily care for her three children, a hot meal on time for her husband at the end of his hard day, and then is expected to be at her uncle's side when he is in the hospital for the flu, as well as expected to gleefully attend every wedding of every relative near and far, on top of the mandatory weekly visits to the closest relatives on both sides of the family. The list of household and family duties never ends. The model of the husband's role in all this is simple - provide the money to buy the food, clothes or gifts necessary to fulfill the above duties....and then.....sit back.


I have to remind myself that I have very little influence over these long held models. I try to be a certain type of model myself but it can be a very frustrating and lonely effort. An Arab girlfriend comments that she could, "never manage alone with her child" in the States, and yet I think she manages pretty much on her own with a ton more obligations that everybody puts on her in her environment here. Sure, she has a husband, but from my perspective his laziness is a liability and burden to her and her kids. Another girlfriend laughs at me when I tell her that I find I need some intensive me and down time every 6-8 weeks when I'm single mothering. Laughing at me she says, "That's not very long!" Do I hear a ring of judgement in that statement? I know I am not starving and smoking myself to death to just get through the stress of my day so I consider that a one-up. It's not ideal, but it is a certain type of model in its own right.