I like to drive fast. I like to drive fast cars. I like to be driven in fast cars. It is probably nothing short of a small miracle that I have never received a speeding ticket. And the only car accident I've ever been in that was caused by me was a minor fender-bender when I was suffering from a hallucinating malarial fever.
Living as a single woman in the Arab world though makes me highly fearful of being in a car accident or hitting a pedestrian. In the male-dominated Arab society, women are often responsible for all things bad. A discussion among colleagues recently about how men and women are so different (a theory that by the way I am currently out to disprove) meandered its way into a heated argument about how female drivers are so timid and dangerous and generally should not be behind the wheel of a vehicle. A sentiment held by men who I considered pretty liberal in their thinking. I was appalled. And if I was ever to cause a car accident here, I would almost certainly be recognized to be at fault before any actual facts became known.
Women are to blame for any and all problems within the families, they are to blame for men's "uncontrollable" sexual desires, and they are often recognized as the cause for any and all unhappiness experienced by a man. That is quite a heavy responsibility for a woman to bear.
There is a soap-opera like series running on an Arab satellite channel here called "Men Wanted" (rajul matloub). The series follows several men, all of whom seem to find it extremely difficult to remain faithful to their marriages and their families, and yet who also seem to be so incredibly attractive to so many young, single women. It was a male Palestinian colleague who actually brought this TV series to my attention because as a father to two young boys, he was so sickened by what Arab society may be communicating to its men by this show.
In the Arab world, a woman's identity (and thus perceived source of happiness) comes from her role as wife and mother…her family. A man's identity comes from what he does outside the home and what kind of family he appears to have (a good, faithful wife and well-behaved children). I believe that in western society today, men and women are much more flexible with their identity than in the Arab world.
Women in the west still are struggling to some extent with figuring out their at-home and public identities. I still know many women who insist that women can't have it "all." I've never thought of it about having it all versus not, but of living to your greatest potential in a way that makes you happy. I also know many men who take on the primary child-care responsibilities at home, with mixed results at happiness. Again, why does it have to be either/or?
In the Arab world, I see men who struggle with their happiness when they are unhappy with their work. They strive to build their identity on what they do outside the home, and yet find themselves often in miserable situations which make their families equally miserable. My opinion is that this is caused by so many men striving for a society's identity of success instead of each man (and woman!) looking into his own heart and deciding to follow a vocation that makes him happy regardless of how a society chooses to identify success. Why can it not be a mix of our personal and professional lives that make us feel realized and happy as individuals?
My foot is heavy on the gas pedal of my life at the moment – working 6 days a week at a job that I find mentally stimulating and rewarding, staying present to my son's changing needs as he grows so gradually yet so critically into a young man, compassionately witnessing my friend's lives to support them when I can, tasking my free time out on my physical health as well as my intellectual growth (studying Arabic) and weeding the garden of my soul (meditation, writing). And among the more mundane daily errands of life that frustrate me, I'm attempting to find that stable centeredness despite the full speed; confident in knowing I am the one person who is ultimately responsible for my own happiness. I do not take this responsibility lightly and have made a firm commitment to myself to drive my life fast but responsibly (which oddly sounds like a public service announcement!) while not burdening others with the job of "making" me happy.
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