Oh Really?

My son had a birthday party to go to on Friday. One of my favorite mother-duty past times is trying to dodge birthday parties. Usually, I don't have to try too hard - they're at times when I'm unavailable to drive him, I can't read the Arabic writing on the party invitation (ok, this one is a bit of a cop out, I can usually dicepher the place and time at least), or my son doesn't like the child anyways.

But this time, I couldn't dodge the birthday party bullet. It was scheduled for a Friday afternoon (the time of week when nobody does anything), and it was for one of my son's favorite (only?) friends from his class. Then I started hoping that this was just a drop off party and I could get some free time to myself. I tried, literally, to dodge the party at the drop off. But my gut told me at the last minute that I was being completely rude, so I ran into the house to say hi to the parents and of course was greeted by the tug on the arm and the "where are you going so quickly, you must stay." It's not that I don't like these people. I do. I just didn't feel like socializing. So I stay.

One of the reasons I really like this family is that the father is a teacher, has an obvious love for children, and is also visibly involved in his son's life and home life. It is such a rare thing to see in this part of the world, and I always want to know more about how these random people happen. The mother works outside the home at a full time, busy public servant job. So I am even doubly surprised that she has the luck to be married to such a man.

I start conversing with another woman at the party who has three daughters aged 6-16. She talks about her daughters and their work at school. Then she mentions an event she has going on with a cultural organization. She's lived and studied in the States. So in my somewhat culturally inastute attempt to make small talk, I ask her if she works outside the home. She tells me that at one time she did work full time outside the home. When she would return in the evenings, she had no energy to cook or help the kids with homework. Her husband was resentful that her work outside the house was taking away from her household duties (ie, there was no hot dinner on the table when he returned from work), so he refused to help her around the house at all. In order to "protect" her marriage, she quit the job. Now her daughters are older and she has just been offered, or more accurately, begged to take a part time job doing what she already does as a volunteer. She said she could not make a decision before getting the approval from her husband, which had until now had not yet been forthcoming.

I don't know what got me angrier about this story - her laments about how exhausting working outside the home can be (my goodness, try being a single mother!) or her accepting that her husband's resentment was good enough to put her desires in second-third place. Ok, I get it, its a cultural thing. In a recent UNICEF report, I read a statement that said, "Arab women derive their identity from being the caretakers for their family." It's so obvious, and yet, it had never occured to me that in fact is the case.

I guess it is also why a single colleague in her late 30s asked me recently, "Is it better to be single or to be married?" I was speechless for an entire minute while I pondered this question. This is a strong, capable, independent, generous, intelligent woman. I can't imagine how she would think one is better than the other. (I also couldn't imagine why she would think a divorcee would have an accurate answer to that question) I tried to explain to her my opinion on the subject. It is not the being single or married that is better, it is what you make of yourself and your happiness when you are either.