Where the Road Ends

Throughout the West Bank, the Israelis have carved out swaths of land to be used as roads for people according to their national identity. I have never witnessed something more unjustified, frustrating, racist and undignified all in the name of security. All despite the fact that on a daily basis, according to the numbers (UNOCHA) the physical attacks perpetrated by settlers against Palestinians and their land seem to point to the fact that somebody should be providing more physical protection to the Palestinians than the illegal settlers.

When I travelled across the West Bank extensively in my previous position here, I had a colleague who had no fear of driving down a Palestinian road, finding a road block, and finding a way around that blockade off road and going exactly where he wanted. The first time he did that while I was in the car, I totally freaked out and was not pleased at all. The more we drove together, the more I would look forward to these adventures: discovering where the road ended, and driving beyond it.

When I was in the most darkest, difficult hours of finding myself completely on my own, taking care of a cranky infant, completely sleep deprived, with a heart that had been split wide open, I had fantasies of getting into my car and driving myself right out of my life, far, far, far until the road ended. But somehow, I knew, the road would always end…and there I would be with the same broken heart, in a deeper darkness and maybe only be soothed by some numbness. One time I did get so angry that I grabbed the keys, locked the house, and got behind the steering wheel of my car….to go no further. A flood of tears (and I suspect swear words) came, and then it was over. I got out of my car and walked back into that imperfect life.

I no longer find the desire to drive out of my life in search of some ideal end of the road. And I've happily discovered that there are plenty of roads that already exist that I can navigate a pretty amazing, interesting life through. An end of the road is not in site yet…thankfully.